


The Permanence of Nothing

by Katie_Scribbles



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Gen, Guilt, Suicide, self blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 15:32:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17347793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katie_Scribbles/pseuds/Katie_Scribbles
Summary: Trigger Warning: depression, guilt, self blame, suicideRated Teen and up due to the heavy subject matter.Although this is technically fiction, it is based on a very real lost relationship from my life.I had an important revelation one night and I thought it may be helpful to others in similar situations in dealing with the loss of a loved one due to suicide. Please see the author's notes at the end for more information.





	The Permanence of Nothing

For the last five years, life had a been a whirlwind of ups and downs. But the downs were the worst downs I had ever experienced. Downs that were very hard to come back from. I almost didn't. Many a night I spent, alone, thinking about how tired I was of facing failure. How afraid I was to make any new moves, terrified that any more of my decisions would only make life turn out worse. 

Sure I had friends and family. And they did care. But mostly, family cared wrong. They had never wanted me to be myself and they couldn't be trusted with any real thoughts or emotions. And friends, well friends had their own busy lives and their own problems. It wasn't fair to keep burdening them just because I was too afraid to be an adult. So I slept. Sleeping was the easiest. Thankfully, most sleep was dreamless. Just blissful nothing. It was tempting. Permanence of nothing was oh so very tempting.

But somehow I pushed through. If you asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell you how. At a certain point, everything in the routine of daily life was a blur. So much so, that I couldn't really remember how I got here. The leap from that one, terrible night to the bright, Arizona sun once again was like turning on a light switch. One moment life was terrible, then the next, it somehow wasn't. But here I was, leaving the Tennessee hills behind me once more, back to the big city in the desert. And even with a job this time, imagine that!

It was nothing fancy, just a job in a hotel kitchen, cooking for lots of people and random events. But I was extremely grateful for it, and the people there made it the best place I had ever worked. I was finally making friends all on my own. Of course, I loved all the friends I had before. But most of them were actually friends of other people. I was just given the label “friend” by association of the social circle, you know? But it was different here. People liked me for me, and actually wanted to spend time doing things outside of work. And I did that, me! All on my own, just by being myself around them. 

As great as all my new co-workers were, there was a very special, very familiar bus boy in particular. It was Sammy. Of course it was Sammy. We completely fell back into a comfortable back and forth and I couldn't for the life of me remember why we hadn't kept in touch. It was like I had never left. It shouldn't have been surprising. Sammy was always like that, he had this uncanny ability to put people at ease. We joked, even flirted like no time at all had passed. His laughter was infectious. I didn't realize how much I had missed him. 

It was time to clean up for the night. The evening crickets accompanied the sound of clanging dishes. I hustled around the kitchen, passing out the rest of my leftover peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies. I kept two for Sammy.

He grinned and his blue eyes sparkled, “Aw, yiss, you remembered!” He immediately shoved one into his mouth and mumbled something incoherent around the mouthful. I returned the grin with a wink. Peanut butter was his favorite.

I felt bold. “I dunno if you have plans after this... but can I come over? We should catch up!” 

His grin turned into a full, bright smile and his arm settled around my waist. “Hell yeah! I missed you Katie-cat!” He kissed my forehead and devoured the last cookie. I was so happy and giddy, I didn't even remember the rest of the clean up.

I floated on the warm, fuzzy feelings like a cloud.

“Ok, this is the place right?”

I turned to look at the person beside me. It was morning and I was in my Aunt Nean’s truck. She had pulled up in front of a lovely little, grey house. There was an intricate stone sculpture of a phoenix in the front yard. That should have been my first clue. But the bright sun warmed my skin and woke the butterflies in my stomach. I opened the door and gave her a quick “This is it! Thanks, bye!” as I hopped out. The Tennessee plates got lost in a cloud of dust when she pulled away. That should've been my second clue.

I approached the front door and made note of the cars parked outside. His family was home. The door swung open before I could knock and Sammy met me with that same, crooked grin. “C'mon!” 

He pulled me down the hall toward his room. As we passed the living area, the blinking from the tv made my head turn and I gave a little wave to his mother and sister as I passed, making eye contact. The sister Laura, hid her face… strange. The mother, Karen, waved back but scowled at me. Oh yeah, we hated each other. That should have been my third clue. I struggled to remember why I never had to deal with those two before when I went to see Sammy.

Before I could place it, he pulled me into the comfort of his room and gently shut out the people who didn't matter. He flopped comfortably onto his bed, then struggled to right his gangly limbs as he sat up. I couldn't help but giggle. He ignored it with feigned dignity. But then he smiled and patted the space next to him. I sat down, close enough to smell the familiar scent of old spice deodorant. He stretched and ran his fingers through his buzz cut hair, short enough to see his tattoo peaking through. I resisted the urge to do the same. I always loved petting his fuzzy hair. 

“So you're back,” he said hesitantly. 

Something pulled at my heart when he said the word “back.” 

“I should have never left. I make the worst decisions about my life,” I laughed nervously. It was sort of funny, but still very true. 

He didn't laugh. He just waited. 

“So... what's been going on with me? Where do I start?” I scrambled for a beginning while briefly noting, that nothing over the crazy last five years had changed him at all. He was exactly the same. Right down to the exact same acne spots I had last seen him with. That should've been my fourth clue.

“Well,” I began, “a lot you probably know from facebook. I ended up in Tennessee with my parents… again. Bad choices suck. Cause you have no idea they're bad choices until it's too late...” A breeze ruffled the curtain by the cracked window, and distracted me from rambling on. There was a little stream running past his house. It was beautifully serene and sparkled in the sunlight. I got excited as I went to gaze at it through the glass. “Hey! You know what would be cool! You should get one of those tented boat things and have it outside your window. It would be so nice to just chill in or use for smoke breaks.”

“You're allergic to cigarettes.” he lifted an eyebrow at me.

“I know dummy, I meant for when YOU smoke.” I laughed as I settled back in front of him.

“I don't anymore” he said simply. 

I was so proud of him! I never thought he would stop, it was often the only comfort in his stressful life.

“So what did the doctor say?” 

His question came so quick I didn't have a chance to congratulate him. “OH! Um, well I feel a lot better now. But there's this huge cyst on my ovary that needs to be removed.”

“What does that mean?” his face scrunched up in concern. 

“It’s kinda like a tumor, I think, but it's benign don't worry. It's just putting my hormones out of whack and stuff. Lots of inconvenient bleeding.” I looked down. I wasn't embarrassed or anything, it was a bodily function I couldn't control, a medical condition. Still I didn't want to make him uncomfortable with girl talk. 

His face only showed concern and care. “They wouldn't remove it?”

I laughed bitterly, “We'll that's the thing. Even with zero income, Tenncare denied me. You gotta be pregnant or have a kid. Ironically, because with this thing in me, it's impossible to get pregnant. Not that I've tried. But that's the American healthcare nightmare for you. Hey, but now that I'm here, maybe the free healthcare would cover it...”

“Free?” His question echoed weirdly. This wasn't Canada. Why did I think I was in Canada for a moment? Oh yeah… Canada. I should probably tell him I'm technically still married. I frowned. Why did I move here before getting the divorce? I swore I would pay for that to be taken care of before anything else…

Clues number 5, 6 and 7 were starting to tumble together. I forcefully shoved them away. I had something important to say to him. 

“I'm so sorry we didn't stay in contact, Sammy.” 

He smiled and his baby blues sparkled like he had a secret, but he said nothing. 

“I should've never left you. And even if we wouldn't have worked out in the long run, we were still great friends. I can't for the life of me think of why we didn't stay in contact.” I wanted to cry. Why did I want to cry?

“You know why,” he said simply. I did?

“Because I'm dead.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He was dead. I knew that. This was a dream. I'm asleep. That's why those things didn't make any sense. My Aunt was still in Tennessee, where I was too. The phoenix statue was in the cemetery where he was buried. Those were a different ex's mom and sister. And yet another ex was from Canada. I desperately fought to stay asleep as the puzzle pieces fell into place, but I was waking up. 

“I don't want to wake up!” I gasped.

He smiled at me as he got up to walk toward the window. 

“Please don't leave me,” I sobbed. “Not again.”

He smiled so sweetly as he walked into the sunlight. The gentle love was clear in his bright, blue eyes and it warmed my heart. He lifted the glass up fully and climbed over the window sill. He looked back at me with a sad smile and spoke once more. 

“You left me first.” He jumped off the bridge into the screech of traffic below. 

I sat up. I couldn't breathe. The room was dark except for the eerie glow of my color changing lamp. I could still smell the peanut butter cookies.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this down after I woke up from this dream. Sammy is my ex boyfriend who committed suicide. And my dream reveals I clearly still blame myself. 
> 
> Even though we had been broken up for months,  
> I was the last one he called before he died. He asked me to Skype with him longer. But I said I couldn't, because I had a Skype session scheduled with my new boyfriend (the Canadian, now soon to be ex-husband.)
> 
> I think I pinpoint mine and Sammy’s breakup as the beginning of all of those terrible decisions. Sure we fought like any couple, but during a time when I should've been trying to work it out and communicating with Sammy, I pushed him away and reconnected with an old online friend that I thought I knew well. I was wrong. It was easier to throw relationships away when they got tough. I was so used to doing it, that I refused to see one that was worth fighting for. 
> 
> Anyway, I had “moved on” and I thought Sammy did too, we were still friends and he had mentioned he was dating someone new. So even though he asked me to keep talking to him, I thought he would be fine. Of course he didn't let on how much trouble he was in. He just smiled and said “Don't do anything I wouldn't do!” and winked as he hung up. I should have seen how sad that smile was. But I was too busy giggling at his joke and answering a new call.
> 
> The next day I heard someone at work telling everyone to avoid the 101 going home. Traffic was completely stopped and nobody knew why. So I went home another way and didn't give it any thought. Until a mutual acquaintance contacted a few days later about the funeral arrangements.
> 
> Until the day I left Arizona, I refused to drive past the 101 and Deer Valley exit.  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> I know that the actions of a person aren't caused by anyone but themselves. I know Sammy felt there was no other choice and he didn't blame anyone for his life but himself. And I want anyone reading this to know it isn't your fault either if someone you love takes their own life.
> 
> I don't know if Sammy actually visited my dreams or my brain was just desperately fighting for me when I had this dream. But I needed it. I was very, very close to following Sammy’s path, but I can't. I can't let anyone blame themselves for me like I blame myself for Sammy. I can't leave because someone needs to be here to keep paying attention to my friends. I'm not gonna lose anymore of them.


End file.
